A Falling Dream

*nodz head*

me here, it's late at night...12:03am, so im guessing dat means early? meh...*sighs* im ok, but im shaken, i feel like ive just been smacked in the face but im not sure how to react to it. in the long run, everything should b ok, but for now...things are...hm. my 1 single dream in life is not possible, and i dont feel like sitting around and waiting for it. sometimes i wonder wat ill think when i look bac at myself now, will i think wat the grown ups think of me? naive? irresponsible? vunerable to mistakes? a dreamer? would i laugh at myself for thinking im in love? for thinking im going to spend the rest of my life with that person? just like them...would i laugh just like them. for once in my life i wish i wasnt young. for once in a long time i wish i didnt exsist, and that my essence be let loose into the fibers of this world. the peace of not-exsisting....but i have reasons to exsist: people...and especially one person. i wish there was a world where no one cried and no one felt pain. i wish there was a place where everyone could accept everyone else. ...sometimes i wonder if asking for just one thing...just this one thing...is too much to ask for. i guess it's something i have to fight for.......but in the end ill turn out damaged....scarred...parts of me will b numb with guilt.........ill come out wid making so many wrong choices. how can i make the right choice? wat happens everytime i fail? ive failed so much...my strength? i say im strong. wat right do i have to call myself, "Astrid"? none.......especially when i cant even gain others respect. Boo-chan and i were thinking that on our wedding day we'll have a special place for everyone who believed/believes in us, they'd get all the good food and special privilages....*grins* the others will wonder y....i want somewhere to go, i want to drop all responsibilities, i want to keep the only thing ive ever wanted, and just stay that way forever. i have the future to look to...but...u kno, naturally, creatues live for the present. want this now, get this now, need this now, get this now. i have a wild spirit widin me, one dat doesnt want to b tamed, one that wants now and wont settle for later. this path is the one ive chosen...unexpected as it is, and brings many dangers. not many believe in true love anymore, i just hope that our belief gets us together.......soon. i suppose everyone wonders wat their purpose in life is. really, i dont think we're meant to know. im not sure wat else i want to say, im pretty tired....oh....if there's ne one else who's reading this that thinks im selfish, that thinks ive got it all easy.....maybe ur right....but i know uve never felt this pain before, laugh if you want, but it's the pain of being torn away from ur single significant other, the peice to the other half of ur heart. it's being given the opportunity to be whole, and then having it taken away from you. if you had the chance to go to paradise, if you knew it existed, would u ever want to leave? if there was a person whom when u are with, you never feel alone, u never get cold, u never feel sad or detached, u never feel as if the world is meaningless, who's touch makes u a believer in love and a higher power.....and so much more....would u ever want to be taken away from them? laugh. laugh if you want. but you dont know.....they laugh...ivve heard them. tears dont tell them enough, the emptyness never shows them...how much i miss him when he's gone. May the stars guide me...and offer protection....

~Astrid*